Profile Activated!

It's official! Our profile with Deaconess Pregnancy and Adoption Services is active!

We've been in the "one last thing" cycle for a few weeks but we're on the website and all-the-way-approved as of this morning.

Please join us in praying for our birth family, for the child who will come, and for us as we wait to see how the Lord continues to work.

 

Lent

And for those of you who, like me, were raised in certain faith heritages, I don't mean the stuff I sometimes forget to clean out of the dryer between loads.

 Lent.

Previously, if you asked me what I know about Lent I could tell you two things:
1. It's not something "we" (aka those in my faith heritage) really do
2. The only person I've really ever known to even talk about Lent was a friend of mine in high school.  Very tongue-and-cheek she would look at me every year (as if the joke was a new one each time) and say "This year for Lent I'm giving up sex."  She thought this was a pretty clever statement since it sounded good and, since she was not sexually active, it was pretty easy to achieve.

But this year, I feel like Lent is calling my name.

Last week, Friday, in the school office someone mentioned how her blood sugar test would be easier because she was giving up chocolate for Lent.  I kind of chuckled inside, I might not know much about Lent but I'm pretty sure that's not exactly what it's about.  But a thought started pestering me- how about you, what you are giving up?

I tried to reason with this thought and tell it that we don't really do Lent.  So as far as I was concerned I wasn't giving up anything.  Instead I questioned back- I mean really, what is the purpose of it all anyway?

And then I started realizing how I normally just slide into Easter every year, not really feeling like it's any other Sunday (other than all the kids in cute outfits).  And that for me, it's always seemed to be more about baskets, egg hunts, and chocolate.  And not really about celebrating the day that would forever change the world- the day Christ rose.

So I said okay to the thought- Okay. You show me where I need to work, where God can take something away for 40 days and help me grow and I'll do it.  I mean I don't smoke, drink, cuss, or eat too much so on the basic lenten resolutions I'm good.  And I don't want to be like my high school friend and "give up" that which doesn't really matter.  So I told the thought to show me and God can have it.  Whether I come from a faith heritage of lent-followers or not, he can have it.

Now you would think.  You'd think! That I would stop drawing lines for God.  You'd think after all those times I've told God if he can do _________ I'll do ________ . All the times I've found myself doing what I didn't think would have to be followed through on, you'd think I would know that if I open that door- I'm going to have go through it.

But maybe I knew- maybe I knew if I drew the line, I'd be shown something.  Maybe that's okay with me because maybe I'm coming to see why participating in Lent isn't just something other sects of faith do.  Maybe it's something I should do too. 

Let's think through this-- Most Christians celebrate Christmas.  You may differ on whether you tell you kids about Santa or whether you really even do a gift exchange.  But even some of the more conservation fundamentalists I know have said they celebrate Christmas as a time to honor the day Jesus Christ was born not because it's historically accurate, not because we know that Christ was born on December 25, but because if the rest of the world is going to slow down and celebrate his birth- acknowledge his importance, they can too.

So then, why not Lent?  I know Lent itself, like December 25, isn't in the Bible but the Passover can be exactly pinned down and thus so can the death of Christ.  And if you can count to three, then you can the day he rose. 

And if you're a person of faith, and you believe the Bible, you can believe what Luke says, how he tells us Christ going to Jerusalem wasn't a happenstance.  He didn't wake up one morning and think "yup, yup, good day to die.  So let's do this thing."  No, Luke tells us he resolutely turned to Jerusalem.

And yet, most Easter Sundays I wake up with more of a "let's do this thing" mentality than one who has resolutely prepared herself for being there.

And yes, I should be doing that every week- working towards resolutely being there every Sunday. (I mean I'm there Sunday mornings but I mean really being there.)  But like Christmas- I know I need to celebrate the fact that God came in flesh everyday  I just don't.  I get busy.  I run around doing and being and trying to serve God where I am as I am, but I'm not always celebrating his birth as actively as I do in December.  Because in December everything starts to revolve around Christ's birth and it's easier for me to remember (all those little babies and managers and Gloria around make it easier).

So why not slow down now.  In this lenten season.  When so many believers are turning towards Jerusalem, preparing to, in their own way, prepare for Easter- Why not stop and see where I can pair down as well.  How can I best demonstrate my resolution to die to my will and follow God's?

Not even three days after I overheard the office worker, two days after I decided that if there was something I'd do it, I was at the grocery store and I was shown.  I was shown something I do every day.  EVERY. DAY.  That in its own little way puts my trust in me over God.  Not like salvation trust, I know I can't save myself.  But the trust that I can control what people think of me- how they see me.  How much they like me.  Control how I can still feel good about myself even if they don't like me.  Every day I wake up and take my identity in my hands and control it.

Now, unlike something that could harm my body, my temple, I don't think God is sad that I do this every day.  It doesn't harm my body and in fact I like to think he rather enjoys the creativity this action brings.  I think God likes seeing the creativity (after all, he's pretty creative himself).

But I do think what isn't right is how I hang my identity on it.  How I feel that this, other than finding my identity as a child of God, is how I see who I am- how I base who I am (and truth be told, how I compare myself to others).

And so, as someone who have never ever looked at Lent as something I would ever be a part of, I'm in it.  I'm here, lenting myself if you will.  Not because I think God needs this from me, but because I need to learn something about more about God more about how he sees me.
 

In Memory of Lisa

Among other things, regular Saturday things, that I spent yesterday doing, I spent yesterday preparing egg salad for the meal of condolences in honor of my friend Lisa.  She wasn't my bestie but she has been in my life for the last 3 years as Geo and her son have attended school together.  We've helped together with class parties and talked as our kids have played together at birthday parties and summer pool gatherings.

Twenty months ago Lisa found melanoma and fought hard to beat it.  But the last time I saw her, on the last day before winter break, she told me all that was left to do now was pray.  She and her husband were researching experimental treatments and trying to see if there were any last ditch efforts she could qualify for (explaining the complications of cell matching and the like that qualified or disqualified her from such treatments).  But in reality, she looked tired.  In reality this once vibrant, ultra-involved mom, sat in a chair in the boys' classroom and said how thankful she was that family was coming in to help do the things she no longer had the energy to do.

Within one month Lisa's kidneys and liver had shut down and she passed away.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I think pale is beautiful, to lie and say I don't like a bit of that "healthy glow" a suntan brings.  Or sit here and tell you that I didn't spend summers as a kid, as a young adult, laying out to get tan.

But I will tell you this- burying someone at 44, seeing a son without a mother, a husband without a wife- it's enough to have me lathering up (and calling my brother the dermatologist at every new fleck on my skin).

It has me hoping that you, or someone younger than you is willing to watch this video and make the change too.

In The Beginning

It's 2012. January 1 of 2012 to be precise. It's the time when people wake up and think of new beginnings and all the things they promise to do differently next time.

I'm not sure why people need to make resolutions on January 1- but I do know the gym will be much busier with all the new resolutioners... for at least a month.

I guess that's why I'm not one who's much for resolutions-- they are almost always broken.

And there is such an expectation for them to be made in the first place. Jan 1- must resolve something. And if there is one thing you should know about me from the onset it's that I have the complete and total inability to do what I feel I must do. (This is the same reason I can't bring myself to follow The Pioneer Women-- no offense to her but everyone's "oh you'd looooove her. Really- you should." And it makes me not be able to do it. I'm sure this offense her greatly. Comply- who? she'd say.)

So no resolutions. No me saying flat out here is what will or won't be done this year. After all, on any given day I could have a child placed with us and then all those thoughts of what I will or I won't in 2012 will likely be out the window or at the very least forgotten from being thrown back in to the world of sleepless nights.

Instead, I give you my list of things I'd like to see what this year or for some of them, things I'm beginning to think I might want to do this year.

1. Continuing running. Me running comes as a huge shock to anyone who knew me before 2011.  I use to say I would only run if someone was chasing me with a knife.  And it had to be a knife because if they had a gun I might run and then they'd shoot me and so it'd be all for not.  But in 2011 I started running.  First to try and encourage the teenager who was living with us to a healthier lifestyle but I continued running when Geo decided he wanted to run a 5k in April.  As the mother of boys, I need know it will be important that we have something we can connect through as each year he gets a little older.  At his pace the 5k will take 40 minutes.  This month we'll be up to running 25 minutes.  Running is still difficult for me in that I normally don't want to go out and do it.  I have to make myself do it.  But as Geo said in our last run of 2011, "It's always hard when we start, but by the end, it's so much easier."  Good life lesson Geo.
2. Figure out my new sewing machine.  When my grandmother passed away in October, I got her Bernina sewing machine.  And on Pinterest I've found lots of lovely sewing projects.  I want to actually do them this year and not just pin them for some day (though some of the kids clothes will have to wait until we know what gender is coming our way).
3. Play the guitar more. I just flat didn't make time for that in 2011.  I'd like to change that in 2012.
4. Grow out my hair again. (This is the one I'm only beginning to think I might want to consider doing) This is probably a pretty funny thing to say from someone who shaved her head by mistake this summer.  But I've had short hair for 5 years running now and that's a long time for me to do anything the same. (I can't even keep my furniture in the same room for 1/5 that time).  The last time I grew it out was to donate it and maybe that's where I'll go with this again.  And maybe I won't grow it out at all.  What do you think- to grow out? Or not to grow out?
5. Read the Bible. I was raised in a Christ-centered family and have attended church my whole life (minus a few less than wonderful years in college).  This has been a true, full-on resolution in years past and true to resolutions, I've never done it.  But I think it's pretty pathetic that someone who has been in a faith community for as long as I have has not read the Bible all the way through (even the slow parts like Leviticus and the Chronicles).  I used the Blue Letter Bible app this morning and it let's you save notes from the read.  I might post them here- not because I'm a Biblical scholar and what I think will change the world.  But posting what I think may firstly keep me more accountable to following through (ugh- "accountable" stated on January 1- that sounds like a real resolution doesn't it.) and secondly- I'm interested to know what you think on the notes.  Interested in guidance from others and your thoughts as I work my way through book by book.

So there they are.  Five things to aim for this year.  Four and 1/4 if you take my whole hair growing thing to it's proper place in importance.  Pretty manageable it seems. And there are a few personal ones not listed.  If you'd like to know them, you'll have to call me up for coffee.

So what about you- are you a resolutioner?  Do you have any for 2012?

Or are you a bit more like me- no resolutions, just "aims" of where to head.  Where are you heading in 2012?

Heal Thy Self

I once sat with a friend as she, in complete frustration, was discussing her ministry. She told me how this was the ministry she felt God was leading her to do. She knew in her heart that this was where she needed to be. She told me she had prayed and how she had asked other to pray that God show her how to go. And yet... it seemed like every door closed in her face as she tried year after year to make her way down the road she thought she was suppose to be on.

Tired and confused she asked me- if this is where she's suppose to be, why isn't anything working.

I just sat there unable to say the thoughts that were really in my mind. Unable to look her in the face and tell her that maybe if you've prayed for guidance and asked others to pray for you so you can have wisdom in the decision as well and it's all that difficult, maybe you're not really suppose to be on this road. Maybe these road blocks are here for a reason.

I don't mean that it's time to give up at the first sign of rough roads ahead, or the first time there's a bump. But I wanted to tell her maybe the road blocks are there to answer her request for guidance.  To answer her question of how to go about it.  Maybe the road blocks are telling her where to go and she doesn't want to listen.

Maybe this time, I'm guilty of the same thing.

This Time Last Year

This time last year I was way better at blogging then I am now. But then this last year wasn't exactly what I had expected it to be. ... But I guess to understand what I expected from 2011, you have to understand 2010.

The beginning of 2010 found me in a "me" period. While I was still working and growing my business, and while I was still a full time mom and wife and involved in church ministries, the beginning of 2010 came with lots of extra time. Maybe it was that I had reached that lovely age with my children where they could get Pop Tarts on Saturday and hang out with cartoons by themselves, that age where they could dress themselves and help out around the house -- leaving a little more time for me each day.

Or maybe it was like a mentor of mine once told me that these times are gifts from God- periods of peace that he gives us before "it" comes. And while we can't ever know what "it" will be- she once encouraged me to use these times and enjoy the gift.

And so I started to learn guitar. I began taking classes in aerial silks. I started cooking more and hosting more friends in our home. I spent two weeks traveling in South East Asia … It was an enjoyable time of peace.

But while talking with my dad one day he said the words that would forever change it all. He said he was glad I was having all this time on my hands and glad that I'm enjoying it. After all, he is a strong believer that God wants us to enjoy what he give us. But then he encouraged me to ask God if perhaps there is more he would also like me to be doing with this time.

And so I did.

And soon God began to stir within me the desire to have more children in my life. But strangely, he didn't simultaneously stir the desire for them to be biologically mine. This desire for children clearly came with a lack of wanting to carry or deliver anything.

In June we sat in church holding a friend's one year old little girl. And from out of nowhere, I commented to LK, "well, you know, we could always adopt." With this comment, this one little phrase, a deeper conversation began between LK and me. Would we not take a child if someone left it on our door? Yes! And in that we realized there hundreds children waiting to be taken- they just don't know where our door is.

Within a week we were on the phone with Christian Services. We decided that perhaps jumping head first into adoption might be a bit much, but fostering, and interim fostering- the people who care for babies that are in the phase of no longer being with their biological family but not yet with their forever family- that would be the best way to test the waters.

Then a foster family told us that their foster child would soon be available for adoption and that because the child was going to have to be placed with a sibling, they could not do it.  Yet again, another phrase that lead to 500 conversations.  Could our home be the place for them? 

These conversations led us to put our house, the house we deeply loved (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7) but that would not hold two more children, on the market and move in to a house that would better suit the growing family we felt we could soon have.

The entire process with these children was a difficult situation and our lack of having any say in anything that happened stirred up within me the need for control I thought I had conquered.  And one day in August as I was ranting to God asking why on earth would he put this desire in my heart only to have me not get to do ANY OF IT!  I felt him call me to a time with him.

I can't explain it in words that don't sound like some crazy out of body experience- but I know, in that moment, the God who Sees, was asking me to ask him- seek him.  And so on August 3 I committed to the Lord to have 40 days of prayer with him.  To wake up early and spend 30 minutes in the morning seeking him and asking for his direction.

There were several stops and starts.  Surely God would understand that I am tired, that I am traveling, that I was up late with a sick kids, etc. Surely he's okay with me sleeping in today.

November 1, 2010 the gloves came off and I decided for real this time- no excuses- I needed to carry out my commitment to the Lord.  And so for 40 days I got up early and spent time with the Lord.  Asking him to show me what he see for me this all of this.   I began with a study of Ecclesiastes then Proverbs, and ending my 40 days in Job, asking that I can know the Lord, and be known by him.

As I ended my 40 days we had moved into a new house, but still had the old one and the sale of it was quickly falling apart.  Four days after I ended it the contract fell apart.  And we were left with two house, 10 days before Christmas.  One staged with all of our furniture and the other with card tables and blow up mattresses.

Twelve days after I finished my 40 days, I received an email about a teenage girl who had no where to go and said the one thing she wanted in life was to have a family.

LK looked at me and said- we need to do this.

We were certified interim-foster-parents but no children had been in need yet.  And while our heart was still pulling towards the sibling pair, that situation wasn't moving at all.  And so we made the call- and learned that if she could come, it would at the end of January.

As we learned more, I began to pray.  I first began to pray that God help our house sell.  I told the Lord I can't have DHS come into a home with no furniture and try to convince them this is a suitable place for anyone to live.

Our house went back on the market right before Christmas, the time when no one looks at let alone buys a house.  Between Christmas and New Year we had one showing if not more almost every day and the Monday after New Years we had three offers on the table all eager to have our house.  In a down market, in the winter the Lord delivered full price, no closing costs and close at the end of the month.  He had kept his end of the bargain and now it was my turn to keep mine.  And so my prayers became:

"Lord! We may have a [teenager] come to live with us.  Be with her.  Thank you Father for all the situations in my life that you have given me up to know that have me fully capable to minister to someone like her.  Be with her and bless her."

"Lord, I see clearly how all that happened before can be of good use now.  In ALL THINGS.  Thank you for times of trial.  Thank you for redeeming me when I've fallen so I can show the same love and redemption to another."

Our furniture arrived January 26.  C moved in January 28.  And through God's power she was baptized on March 23.  Fully becoming a member of the family of God.
 
And I would love to stop here and tell you everything since then has been wonderful.  But that's not life.

Throughout the remainder of 2011 we pushed for the siblings only loose them over the summer... as if they were ever really ours.

And in September, C moved out- deciding she no longer wanted the life we were offering.

It felt confusing and sad.

But I believe God had us in the lives of the sibling set in a way that is hard to explain in a venue like this.  But trust me, things happened, God and moved.  And while we showed up thinking we knew how God was moving-- he ... well to quote a good friend of mine... he said "Gee.  Thanks for showing up.  Now, let me try to explain what I'm really trying to do here."

And I believe that God sees C.  That he has his spirit in her life now and if she was with us for no other reason than that, I am thankful for the role we could play.  And I know he is still interweaving her story in with others.  I know he is there for her, should she want to accept that.

The day C moved out we received a call about a two-year-old girl who needed a foster home.

C being with us allowed us to move quickly into full on DHS foster care and so, C moved out on Friday and A moved in on Saturday.

She stayed for four days when DHS called and said she was moving to a kinship home and oh by the way could be take a six-day-old.  S moved in as they were picking A up.

S lived with us two and a half days before moving on to her kinship home.  (And on my but that is a blog post in itself.  God was so visibly at work there and it was beautiful).

We had what ISH would call "our four-person family" from Saturday to Tuesday and then R (age 4) and J (13 months) moved in.

From there the months blur- by Friday my grandmother was dying and within 10 days of R and J coming, we had closed our home to DHS and R and J were being placed elsewhere so that I could be with my family following my grandmother's passing.

I know- it doesn't make sense and believe me it didn't really then either.  But it- them being with us- foster care- all of it.  It wasn't right.  In a way I couldn't put my finger on at the time, but it. just. wasn't. right.

Again I stood there confused.  What did God want from me?  I asked him what he wanted me to be doing with all of this time and I felt the call of more children.  I felt the call that my family wasn't yet "done."  And there was interim care... but that wasn't the answer.  And there were the siblings... but that wasn't the answer.  And there was C... but that wasn't the answer.  And there was DHS foster care... but that didn't seem like answer either.  And now 18 months removed from that prayer I was more upside down in what I was "suppose" to be doing than ever before.

I tried to make myself want to get pregnant.  That would be the easiest answer (well easy in one sense at least).  But, well to keep from getting to medical, let's just say that in 2009 certain steps were taken to make that not really something that could just "happen" like it had with the boys, and when I thought about having to undo that.  And when I thought about being pregnant and giving birth and the biological aspect of it all... I just really didn't want to be pregnant.

And so by the end of October I looked at my dad and said- I don't get it.  I prayed and I feel lost.  I feel like I am in a fog.

"Ah" he said.  "Maybe that's where God wanted you.  Maybe now he can lead."

And so one year later and several hundred blogs short of 2010, I can't really say where the next year is going.  In some ways I feel like I'm seeing some sort of a path through the fog.  In some ways it seems like the path of formal adoption is opening for us-- but so much of that remains out of our control.

And maybe being "out of my control" is just where God wants me to be.

365

We're somewhere outside of Dallas. Somewhere that 365 days ago I was researching beds so I could redo our master bedroom when I got back home. 

365 days.   It doesn't seem very long ago. And yet ...

365 days ago I never thought I would have that bed in a completely different house. 

365 days ago I never would have thought I would have a daughter (and a teenage one at that!). 

365 days ago some very important people in my life were completely unknown. 

The journey of how I got from there to here began as whispers three months before, but 372 days ago there was a vital turning point- propelling those whispers into a full speed freight train. And 365 days ago I had no idea how one little comment made one week later would completely change the face of my family. 

A Night of Twisters

I'm an Okie. Born. Raised.

I remember times when Mom would give us a bag and tell us to go upstairs and grab what we wanted to keep.  Times of sitting in my parent's closet, listening to the weather broadcasting from my brother's Transformer radio.

Every time we emerged from the closet- house in tact. With tornados far from us.

And while, when I was younger, there were close calls like the May 3rd tornado, I have never been scared of tornados.

But then I had kids and a house. And somehow my outlook changed.

So today when the sky turned green and began to churn like an upset stomach- I knew that doesn't mean anything good was yet to come.

So as I went through the house taking pictures for photographic proof should we need to file insurance claims, LK packed the car with our dog, the kids, the hard drive and my dad's guitar.  And then we all went to safety.  But in the end, we piled it all back in the car and went back to our home. With tornados far from us.

And here I sit, in my undamaged house, viewing pictures of all that others lost.  Hearing the story of people who's bathtub safety plan didn't work. Hearing stories of the missing child in Four Corners.  Seeing houses leveled.  And I think how blessed I have been that in 30 years of living in Oklahoma,  I have never had to experience what people are experiencing tonight.

Tonight I am thankful for the shelter Oklahoma Christian provided for us- such a calming thought to know we had somewhere safe to go.  Tonight I am thankful for the excellent forewarning we had.  And I am thankful that everyone I know is safe.

My heart and my prayers are with those who cannot say the same.

Transitions

Pardon my last few weeks of silence.  I have, in some ways, felt as though I've been standing on quick sand lately.  Moments of ever shifting, readjusting, trying to keep from sinking deep.  But the transitions are worth it for moments like the one I overheard yesterday as I was out with C and ISH.

ISH (to the kid playing with toys next to him): See that girl over there .... she's my sister.

RTT: Mercy

At least I think it's Thursday.  It's been almost 2 weeks that kids have more or less been out of school and church has been canceled due to Snowklahoma that I can't really remember what day it is now.

What time is it: 851A

Where am I: in the lovely light-filled dining room that is now complete with FURNITURE!

Listening to: Johnny Test on the TV in the living room and Isa's toenails tapping on the window sill as she nervously surveys the comings and goings of squirrels.

Thoughts: We're settling in here with our new family dynamics, though we thought that two weeks in we'd have more school under our belt (than ZERO days) and a bit more of a routine together. However, C reminded me the other day that everything happens for a reason. And I think she's right because some good learning moments for all have come from hours upon hours of forced togetherness.

I'm immensely grateful to all of you who have texted, emailed, and called to give words of encouragement.  I cannot express how much that has meant to me.

We watched the Blind Side last night, C, LK and myself. It was everything I could do to not boo hoo my way through that one. Especially now.

I drove past a church on Tuesday whose sign read:

Blessed are the merciful for they shall be shown mercy

And I smiled.  But it wasn't so much because I think that through my actions here I will be racking up some extra karma for the times when I'm unbearable.  And while I believe in some very real ways we will be shown mercy through some of what we're doing here, I think the main point of this is that because I have been shown mercy, I can't not be merciful.

C asked me once why we're doing this.  Why her, why now.

"Because I have God that has redeemed me, picked me up, and given me second chances," I said.

In other words, because I've been shown mercy.

I hope he's right

Last night C broadened our horizons by introducing us to New Moon and the joy that is Twilight. So tonight we're returning the favor by introducing her to the movie magic that is Ground Hog Day.

And with 8" of snow on the ground and school cancelled for the third day in a row, all I have to say is this year, that ground hog best not be wrong.

A Year in the Making

I would like to start by officially resigning my status as Land Barroness.  Yes, that's right, I own only one ONE (1!!!) house as of 12:45pm this afternoon!

In other news, happy bloggy birthday to me!

I can't believe it's been one year since I wrote my first post on my own blog.  And while that moment was just 365 little days ago- so much as changed.  When I wrote that post I sat on a bed I no longer own, in a house I no longer own, surrounds by free time and goals that aren't exactly the same now.  In the past year I tried my hand at aerial silks, learned to play the guitar, and experimented with cooking.  In the past year I've shared some stream of conscious thoughts (as well as a few random ones), traveled to South East Asia and knocked my 6th continent off the list. I've improved more than one house and had some major improvement of my own in the past 6 months (1 2 3 4 5) .


In some ways, it's hard to believe it was just 365 days ago that this journey began, it's equally hard to believe it wasn't more.

Define: Emanate

Any minute now life will change for us in some very real ways.  It's not that I mean to be cryptic, it's just something I don't think I can openly talk through here, but let's just say the lyrics to a particular Wayne Watson song keep going through my head.

Or to say it another .... well follow me for a minute ...

I traveled a lot in college.  Some would say I traveled college. Period.  At graduation my dad said they should have given me an award for the graduate having spent the least amount of time on campus during her 4 year college career.  Because I traveled so much (and a few other factors) I graduated with a BS in Liberal Studies (pause here for appropriate BS and Liberal Studies jokes.... done now Dad?).  My degree was in world religion, multimedia, and English (and travel), but through my work in PR and six years as a travel agent I would joke that my degree was pretty well worthless for my chosen career.  I felt like I had chosen travel over getting real a degree that I could actually apply in my daily life.

Then in the fall of 2008 I sat in my living room having completed my online training portal for my agents to use complete with 21 video lessons and interactive training questions.  It required English, multimedia, and all my travel knowledge to get there.  It was a moment where I felt like taking off my shoes and marveling at the way God had orchestrated everything throughout my life up to that point that I would need to experience that very moment.

Today I'm at my kitchen table- looking at the layout of my new house, looking at the blessings God has given me, at the relationships He has brought into my life at just the right time to give me strength, encouragement and useful tools for this exact moment (and all of the hundreds to follow).

The phone rings ... they're on their way.

The Last Night

In a few short hours we will go back to Old House to spend our last night there.  The movers come tomorrow to clear it out and bring everything to New House so we can stop sleeping on air mattresses.

The past month hasn't been bad though. In fact, LK aired my bed up nicely last night and it so it was almost like a real mattress.  But, still, I get this gitty little feeling when I think THE BEDS ARE COMING TOMORROW!

But Old House was a nice place.  In Old House we grew closer as a family- and LK and I learned so much as a couple.  I started my company in Old House.  We had many friends, old and new, over at Old House.  I learned to play the guitar in Old House.  I re-discovered my style in Old House.  And while it seems a bit melodramatic- I think I found a greater part of myself while living there.

Memphis will also be special because it was my first house. But Old House, it was my sanctuary for three good years.  I'm going to be elated to say the least when I sign on the line and relinquish my Land Baroness status- but yes, there will be part of me that will always miss that house.

RTT: Truly Random

What time is it: 936p

Where am I: at the new kitchen table at New House. HORRAY!

Listening to: LK clean up from dinner (I married a great man!)

Last ate: Hearty Beef Stew with warm rolls, but I'm contemplating trying out the pumpkin cream cheese muffins Flower brought over tonight.

Thoughts: I think it's been a month since I officially did a RTT. It's hard to describe the last month except the say that after the contract went bust, we still decided to mostly move and have been living with borrowed furniture and sleeping on air mattresses. But it's not as bad as it sounds. How great is it to be able to fold up your dining room table and chairs when not in use ... we really need to have a bowling contest in there before the real table comes. And as I've been saying, nothing shows how much a man loves his wife as when he inflates her bed for her in the evening. And I say her bed because yes, we are on separate twin air mattresses. Just call us Ozzie and Harriet.

I picked up a paint brush for the first time in a month today. Something about that dining room ceiling- it's the one thing that needs to be done before the large furniture arrives and the one thing I can't get motivated to finish. But T- 6 days til move in so I best get after it.

ISH and I had the best belly laugh tonight as I was trying to get him ready for bed. It was in no uncertain terms completely unproductive for bed-time readiness but it was equally in no uncertain terms one of those moments I wanted to freeze frame forever. Click.

LK is now off to play a game of "old men basketball." My parting words to him before such games: remember your insurance card. Yup, not as cool for sure.

Define: Frustration

There are times I want to look them in the face and say REALLY!?!?!  Why do you feel the need to make this so infuriatingly impossible.  It's as though by your little hoops and random non-reasons that you're saying you would like to make this as difficult as it possibly could be and then some.
You'd think you really don't want us to do this for you.  Or maybe the truth is you don't.
And that, my friends, is by definition, frustration.

The Eve Of

Two presents left to wrap, but given that I had not wrapped a thing before 8:45pm tonight, I'm feeling pretty good about only having two items left. And since technically I don't need those items until lunch time, I'm calling it a grande success (despite the fact that I ran out of tape and could not remember which moving box the spare rolls were in and thus I wrapped 80% of the gifts with duct tape).

Here's to a very Merry Christmas.

RTT: Busted.

What time is it: 925P

Where am I: Old House kitchen table, coming to terms that unlike I had thought, this will likely not be my last RTT from Old House

Listening to: My computer fan spin.

Last ate: Chex Mix (store bought) which I found to be lacking in taste and thus only has me craving for some good homemade stuff.

Thoughts: I have a post I started on Monday that is 1/2 finished. Started it before the drama. Started it before our buyer walked away and our contract. Started it before I had to fight for at least a little justice in the whole mess. A little justice came- but then left behind it the whole now what question.

I told LK a week ago that I didn't think this would go through- that something with the buyer didn't feel right. I hate it when my intuition is right. And I hate it when I discount intuition only to have it proven after all.

But, I am so thankful for the friends who have stepped up to give a refrigerator to us, or loan us couches, or offer to help move on short notice some- but not all- of our things (got to keep Old House looking her best). This is not going like I thought it would by any means but I'm still able to see so many of the blessing in this and maybe that's what it's about.

And strangely, I have peace. That doesn't mean I'm not frustrated by what happened and it doesn't mean I didn't state what was right and what was not in no uncertain terms, but even still- I do have peace. And I'm thankful for that. Thankful that His left arm is still supporting my head and that even now, His right arm embraces me- and perhaps embracing me more than if we were sailing through to closing day. And that really brings amazing peace.

We put our tree up this week and while all things won't be moved to New House, the boys will ... and I will ... We all will be together on Christmas with a tree in one house even if it is not as I had planned it.

I spent 2 weeks and 2 days killing myself to have a house ready for move in day. So tonight I will reward myself with sleep. And tomorrow night, when we sleep in New House for the first time- two months after having signed on the line- I will reward myself with a nice bath.... that is once I get the cabinet doors out of the tub.

Tunnel Vision

We got a contract on Old House just after Thanksgiving (nice reason for giving thanks) and we're working to close in December 23 (merry Christmas to me!!)

This means New House needs to be ready asap.

I'm coming to terms that it won't all be done by closing date, but trying to knock out what I can- and it's much better to have not everything done and a sold Old House than all projects complete and two houses.

But carpet comes in Monday which means I feel like I'm living in a tunnel vision- project minded state. ... Wait I think that's not just a feeling. 

Sorry if I seem a bit MIA for a while.

Gobble Gobble

What time is it: 838P

Where am I: at back home after an afternoon with family

Listening to: Football game in one room, ELF on in here - love the way Zooey sings

Last ate: Oh good heavens! It's Thanksgiving, I don't know if I want to (or could) even answer that.

Thoughts:  Thanksgiving.

I am thankful for my family- those immediate, and those extended.  Those here now, those gone already, those yet to come.

I'm thankful for my friends- the new ones I've been blessed to meet this year and those who are my steady constants.

I'm thankful for my job.

I'm thankful for the trips I've been able to take this year.

I'm thankful for my boys and for their wonderfully curly hair.

I'm thankful for LK and the marriage that, as we were both discussing late one night, we can't imagine being without.

I'm thankful for the life that I have no idea why I have been blessed to live- but the life I hope I am living to the fullest- giving back and enjoying the ride.

My cup overflows,